maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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