I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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