singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
