New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
