If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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