I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
