If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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