just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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