how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
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