I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Randomize
