can u get pink eye on your cock?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Randomize
