I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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