I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
