wrigley field is MILF paradise
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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