so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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