I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
