wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
