I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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