My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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