i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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