I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
