My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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