Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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