He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
