It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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