I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
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