I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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