You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Everything about him screamed your future.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
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