once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
