Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
