please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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