Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
