i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
