I am midnight drunk by noon
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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