I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
