i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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