Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
did i just pee glitter
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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