The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
