i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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