I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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