who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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