ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
