i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
