i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
My ATM looks so different sober.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
