the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
