it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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