The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize