i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
