No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
