apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
worst night to have a conscience
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
