I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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