so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
