I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
