I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
