is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
