So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Operation Purity has been aborted
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
