last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
