She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
