dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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