Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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