I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
