I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
